well I can't set my house on fire every night
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
