If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Randomize
