Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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