I'm going to jail i love you
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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