Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
