he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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