Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
