tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
