Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
