So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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