I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
