I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
