I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
