hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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