Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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