Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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