I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Randomize
