I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
