So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
