So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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