Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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