btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
