This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
