The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
