It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
