What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
