we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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