I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Randomize
