you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
