in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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