I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
