Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
