direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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