is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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