I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
