you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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