I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
