cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
