there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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