just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
