Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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