I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
