I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
