Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
