I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
