I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
