Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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