Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
