Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
