grandma shit on top of the toilet
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
